It Takes A Village

"How good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity!"

-Psalm 133:1 

     When I started blogging I didn't expect anything to come of it. I started it as a place for me to ramble and rant about life and health and a place to keep more of a journal of events in my life. I had no idea it would snow ball into a place for other people who are just like me to connect and cheer each other on! Before joining the online spoonie community I felt alone and isolated. I had amazing friends but none of them truly understood what it was like living with health issues every day all day. After finding the spoonie community I have been able to establish friendships that reach far beyond those who live near me. I have been able to connect with another girl my age in Las Vegas who also has Mast Cell. I've been able to connect with a delightful pal with a dog Willow who lives in a different state, but has encouraged me to keep fighting more than once. She is also the creator of the amazing card at the top of this post! 

     I have also found hope, encouragement, and answers on facebook support groups. They have been there night and day to help me learn the best way to advocate for myself, answer all of my random questions that doctors struggled to answer, and encourage me when all I wanted to do was give up. They were there. They have gone through what I am going through. They have moved the mountains I am currently trying to climb. They too, have fought with doctors on getting appropriate testing and understanding. 

     I don't know where I would be mentally without these amazing humans who stand (or sit) with me every single day. The spoonie community is a strong one, there is no bond like the friendship between two people who have never met but share the same daily struggles. To all of you spoonies thank you. And to all of you non spoonies, I appreciate your support and encouragement as well. Sometimes it really does take a village! 

With Love, 

Elizabeth <3 

*If you have a moment I highly recommend finding @idleidealsartwork on Instagram! She is so incredibly talented and is doing AMAZING things with her talent all while fighting her own battles. You can request a card for someone you know who is battling a chronic illness or disability on her Instagram page! She also has spoonie stickers available which are just as amazing as her cards! And if you really sweet talk her she might send you a photo of her adorable wittle dog Willow!* 

Learning To Be Active Again

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it reveals the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have trained by it."

-Hebrews 12:11

     I am trying to get into the habit of being active again. Not working out, but active. The difference between working out and being active is I am soley trying to get off the couch. I have no outcome goals of losing weight or gaining muscle. I merely just want to move as much as I can. And to say that has been an uphill battle is an understatement. 

     One thing with my Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome is that deconditioning makes my symptoms worse. My body literally forgets how to push blood to my brain when I am moving. The more often I move the less my body forgets and the easier it is to do everyday things. When I lay for a month in a hospital bed my body forgets all of that and when I start to move and do life again my autonomic nervous system goes absolute haywire. 

Yep, this is why laundry day
is my least favorite day. 

     One thing I do to be active is go for walks. Small walks, half a mile at most. My heart can barely tolerate that. Some family and I have been walking around the park every once and a while. We also went to look at model homes, which ended up being a bit more of a workout that I anticipated. Damn these three story houses in Vegas. I also walked to my aunt's house for breakfast and back. It's simple yes, but my body is starting to thank me. 

     I have no real plans to begin hard core working out again. Just looking at my heart rate from the little things I already do makes me want to never ever workout again. But I know I'll work my way up to that. It'll take a bit, but I'll get there. I'll slowl

y start to push the limits and work my way up to weight lifting and being buff (JK that's never been the case) again.

With Love, 

Elizabeth <3 

The Longest Stay Part:2

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." Isaiah 41:10

     Today was a fun day. The circumstances were incredibly sucky but if I'm going to fly in a private jet I'm going to enjoy every darn minute of it. The flight crew picked me up from the hospital in Las Vegas around 8:30 in the morning. They were extremely nice and one wasn't bad to look at ;) We took an ambulance to the airport and then I was loaded up first class in my fancy jet. It was a super small plane but it was only an hour flight and I got to lay back on a stretcher for it so I can't complain about the leg room. We took off around 9:15ish. A few minutes after take off the oxygen masks fell from the ceiling. Not because anything was wrong but because it was an older plane. I'm not going to lie I questioned my confidence in the small plane when that happened. It was a quick one hour flight into Burbank. We landed and I was loaded into a second ambulance. It took longer to get to the hospital from the airport than it did to fly from Vegas, Thanks LA traffic. 

     We made it to USC, which is a much much larger hospital than my usual one. I was moved into my new temporary home in the 5th floor South ICU. The accommodations here are nowhere near my normal hospital's. There is no couch or large TV and there really isn't room for visitors but I was here to get fixed so I really didn't mind what the room looked like. My wonderful mother, who I will never be able to thank enough, drove out shortly after I got settled in.

     I met with the intensivist that would be in charge of my case. He was nice and asked tons of questions about what we have tried and what they were thinking about trying. Their main goal was to get me off of the epi sooner rather than later so a few hours after I got here we started very slowly titrating back. The next morning I met with the allergist that would be on my case. She has two other mast cell patients she sees, but admitted I was her worst off. She agreed that we needed to get me off of the epi drip and we'd see what we could do from there.

   

 Getting me off of the epi went about to be expected. There were lots of benadryl pushed through my IV so I was constantly tired and napping. IV pushes of benadryl also give me a loopy feeling sometimes so I felt like I was in space most of the time. We were able to get me off of the epi for about 12 hours before I went back into anaphylaxis twice. They reconnected the epi at a low dose until we could figure something else out. This was when I brought the idea of a continuous dyphendyramine infusion to her attention. I had researched it previously and it was brought up in Vegas but it's not widely used or a widely known option. CDI is a continuous benadryl drip instead of epi. The continuous benadryl insures that my mast cells stay calmer. It doesn't cure anything but it greatly reduces the amount of anaphylactic attacks as well as greatly reduces the amount of rescue meds needed. The allergist had never heard of it so she went to work researching it. The next day it was decided that this was indeed going to be my best shot at getting off of the epi drip long term. They started the benadryl drip on Christmas Day and I'm not going to lie it was kind of the best Christmas present ever.

     The world's best mom drove out to LA again to spend Christmas with me and my benadryl! Somehow Santa found me even though I was in a different city! I woke up around 3am and there was a stalking and a Santa gift waiting for me next to my bed! I was completely shocked I wasn't expecting that at all. My momma came down to the hospital and brought lots of activities. I kicked her butt at Rummy, we tried to do a puzzle but I swear it was missing pieces so we gave up on that. The hospital also had a special Christmas dinner of steak and mashed potatoes. It was surprisingly delicious! Somehow my momma managed to make this Christmas special even though I couldn't be home. Hopefully I'll be home soon so we can do Christmas in January! Stay tuned for part III tomorrow! 

With Love, 

Elizabeth 

Celebrating The Victories

     After a rough couple of weeks and being frustrated and tired I wanted to prove to myself I was still able to be "normal". I wanted to go for a hike. The weather is absolutely gorgeous right now so it was the perfect time to go. I asked my adventure buddy who agreed to go hiking with me. And we set out to the Discovery Trail in Red Rock park. The Discovery Trail is a super short trail also known as the "children's trail". It's about 1/4 mile in and a 1/4 mile back and it goes in a nice little loop. It was all shaded by the time we got out there which was perfect! We actually were both pretty chilly during most of the hike. (We're wimps; we know)
     The hike itself wasn't difficult. There were a few spots where you have to go up a rock "staircase" or two. But other than that it was mostly flat and led to where there would have been a waterfall (if we actually got precipitation in Las Vegas). It was super fun climbing around and watching kids do the hike as well. At one point, on our way back to the car, three kids came around the corner and gasped "We heard you and thought you were rattlesnakes!" Yes child; I took hear voices and footsteps and think rattlesnakes. It became a joke and it inspired these fantastic pictures!
      I'm so glad I conquered this hike! My heart had a hard time cooperating with my heart rate in the 190's most of the time; but I didn't pass out! Which is always a huge accomplishment! Even better my PICC line stayed nice and clean which is always a concern of mine. I'm so thankful to have friends like my Adventure Buddy to accompany me on adventures like this. Even if they are just short little excursions!
     Always remember to celebrate the victories no matter how small they may seem to most people. It may be the biggest thing you've ever accomplished, and that, should always be celebrated! "Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let the sea resound and all that is in it. Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them; let all the trees of the forest sing for joy." Psalm 96:1-2

With Love,
Elizabeth <3

We Will Find Peace

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may find peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

On Sunday October 1st, 2017 Las Vegas, a place that I've called home for most of my life, was shaken. People gathered at the Route 91 Festival like they do every year for good music, great friends, and most importantly to make memories. But on Sunday, the memories turned from happy to tragic in the blink of an eye. God kept me home safe that night, I had a ticket to the concert but we were unable to find another one cheap enough so I gave my ticket up. I was so disappointed as I was looking forward to going to the festival since I found out I would be in town for it. But God had other plans for me. I woke up at 2am on Oct. 2nd to see friends checking in "safe" on facebook. I clicked the link. I never imagined what I was reading would turn into the largest mass murder in modern U.S history. At the time they were only reporting 6 dead and 20 more injured but that quickly grew to over 58 dead, and 250 more injured several still in critical condition.

It's hard not being in the position to go out and help. As an EMT I have been trained on mass casualty incidents. I've played a mock victim in a grass field during a mass casualty training drill for the National Guard. As a Red Cross Disaster Responder I've held the hand of someone sobbing because they just lost a loved one and their lives have changed for ever. As the operations manager for a family reunification center I've seen the panic in the eyes of people who haven't heard from their loved ones and searching for any answer to their condition or whereabouts. I've seen tragedy first hand. I can't tell you how much my heart aches that I can't be out their with the other responders comforting those who have lots people. I cried when they were still transporting people to hospitals Monday morning and I was only laying on the couch reading about it. I am unable to give blood, I really don't have to much money to donate. So I started praying because sometimes praying is all you can do. I reached out to my contacts who were working at the family reunification center. Their phone lines and reunification centers were overwhelmed. As Metro began matching victims to searching family members I was emailed key information and would call the family and update them. One of the calls I made was to a family who's 19 year old daughter was in critical condition her breathing was solely reliant on a ventilator. Her family had gotten a text that she was shot and that's the last they had heard from her. I called the mother. She understandably broke down in tears when I said "Hi my name is Elizabeth I'm calling to let you know we have received an update on your daughter..." All she could do was answer "...please don't say it." I then proceeded to share with her her daughter's location and condition. The relief that she was located and still clinging to life was enough for her to, in between crying breaths, ask me the address of the hospital.

This one hit home. It shook us to our core. People close to me have lost their closest friends. We need to be there for one another now more than ever. Even if you don't live in Las Vegas reach out to those who have been affected by this, whether it was directly, or if the emotional shell shock of it all has affected those indirectly. Don't let someone hiding their grief and pain slip through the cracks. I have reached out to my counselor and have been able to talk about it. That doesn't change the sadness or the guilt that I feel but it helps. If you or someone you know needs to talk know that my inbox is always open. Las Vegas is one, we are strong, we will find peace.

To the law enforcement officers who ran into the gunfire, to the EMS professionals who watched the mayhem unfold and still kept their cool, to the bystanders who risked their lives to stay and help those who were no longer able to help themselves thank you. You are the true heroes. As the dust settles remember that you yourself may need to talk to someone. Reaching out and asking for help is more than okay. What you witnessed and handled that night and into the early morning is unlike anything most people will ever see. You were the calm in the chaos I can't thank you enough, the victims can't thank you enough, Las Vegas can't thank you enough.

With Love,
Elizabeth <3

*The story of reunification shared above was shared with permission from the family.*

Off To Nebraska

Friends,

     I'm not going to lie. Ever since moving back home to Vegas I have had trouble understanding why God chose me for all of this. I had made an awesome life for myself back in Nebraska, I had made great friends, had a job that I loved, but I was just to sick all of the time to really enjoy all of those things. Then, the second I moved back to Vegas, I started to feel better. I finally found doctors who understood and they've helped me find treatments that are really working. Why couldn't that have happened in Lincoln? Over the last few weeks I've started missing my Nebraska family even more. So I planned a semi last minute trip. My allergist thought this was an awesome idea. He's very concerned that this sudden uptick in my health is temporary. Although we're both praying this is the beginning of remission there's just no way of knowing. So he thought now, while I'm responding to treatment and am stable enough to travel, I should go. 

     I couldn't contain my excitement in the weeks prior. My doctor decided that since I don't have an immune system at all I needed to wear a mask on the plane as well as to block out any scents that could trigger a reaction. We put together my Emergency Room protocols and Reaction Treatment Protocols. I was able to put them into a packet to carry with me so should something happen all my emergency protocols and information was all in one place. I'm not a fan of traveling with my mask on. It tends to draw unnecessary attention, people think I'm the one sick and passing out germs. I am sick but other people's germs are more dangerous to me than I am to them. But there is one perk. A mask scares people off. So there's many times you'll get the whole row to yourself because well.. everyone is scared to sit next to you. Sometimes you just have to find the bright side. 

     Finally I was off! I packed a backpack full of Elizabeth friendly snacks so I didn't have to worry about something I could safely eat at any of my connecting airports. I arrived in Denver with no problems. I was proud of myself for making it that far! I was doing it guys! My flight into Omaha was slightly delayed so I did have time to find food in Denver and an empty area to take my mask off and eat which was nice. I was in the air when it was time to take my night time meds. It was challenging because I did have so many to take. I also got some interesting looks when I did my night inhaler. But everyone got over themselves and there were no real problems. We hit some crazy turbulence and being jostled around made my stomach turn but thankfully that was it. The pressure change of taking off and landing didn't cause a reaction and I am soo grateful! I had finally, at 11:00pm made it to Omaha. 

    Saturday, one of my best friends and I made our way into Lincoln. We decided to get in on the Husker Game Day hype and walk around downtown and by the stadium. So. Much. Fun. I used to work first aid at all of the Husker Games so I would be at every single one. But there's something about participating in it that is so exciting. We ate lunch downtown and went to my favorite ice cream place ever. Then we treked another mile over to the stadium. We watched the marching band perform as well as the football players and coaches arrive. I've seen it from far away before, but being right in the middle of all the game day hustle.. there's nothing like it. I was able to say hey to some of the people I used to work with at the game which was nice. Right about when the game was supposed to start we headed back to our car. We walked at least eight miles during all of this. I was so impressed with both of us! I didn't pass out or have any reactions and we walked in the heat so much. My feet did hurt but that wasn't a huge deal. Erin's heels were bloody from a poor choice in footwear but we survived!  
     Sunday was state fair day! I love the state fair! We never get to go to the fair in Nevada.. mostly because no one actually knows where it's located. This is my third year going to the Nebraska State Fair and it just keeps getting more fun every year. We were able to watch the Firefighter Challenge. Which is where fire departments all across the state compete against each other. It was super cool to watch. Then we met up with Katie! She was there to watch her ag students show their animals in contests. I can't say I have ever watched pig shows before. But it was pretty interesting to watch. But in between pig shows I was able to eat all the fair food! Well... by fair food I mean three bags of cotton candy and the best prime rib sandwich. We visited all of the exhibitors that gave out free food, shot archery, and learned about agriculture. Well, I learned about agriculture because ya' know I'm a city girl who knows literally nothing on how corn is made. But the best part is we finished out the night with a Cole Swindell concert!
     The rest of the trip was super relaxing. I hung out with Katie in Wahoo for a few days. And then back into Lincoln to hang out with more old work partner and her family. I played play dough and tickle fights with a two year old who still couldn't entirely say my name but he and his brother are pretty darn cute!
      On Thursday, I flew home to Vegas. It was a long travel day. My first flight to Phoenix was delayed by 45 minutes which was fine but inconvenient. When I finally made it to Phoenix I had to walk from one side of the airport all the way to the other side. They do have the moving walkways but just standing on those were making me dizzy. I finally found a nice guy driving a golf cart and asked him for a ride. He was super nice about it and drove me all the way to my gate! Where I sat. Until of course a lightning storm blew into Las Vegas and they shut the airport down. We weren't able to take off and our plane was delayed for an hour at first. Then the lightning cleared in Vegas, but of course a dust storm started rolling into the Phoenix area and we weren't allowed to take off, so now we were delayed another hour. Finally at 7:25 we were able to take off.
     It was the best vacation I could have asked for. I really needed it. I really needed to see all the people I love and miss so much. My Nebraska family has a huge place in my heart and they will never know how much they mean to me! Thank you guys for giving me the strength and love and encouragement from far away. I love you all and can't wait to see you next time!!

With Love,
Elizabeth <3 

I Am Allergic To Benadryl

If you don't know I have Mast Cell Activation Disorder. Which means at some point in my life I will become allergic to everything. It sucks and I hate it but it's a fact of life that I face every day. So much so that I take 50 mg of benadryl every four hours to keep symptoms at bay. This is causing me to be sleepy. All. The. Time. But because of this disease if I don't have name brand benadryl and not the "allergy relief" brands I am okay. Because the way the medication is compounded I am allergic to. So if all you have is benadryl and it's an allergy relief brand I will take it. Because it doesn't affect my body enough that I'll care. However; knowing this about myself I do make life threatening decisions every second of every day. Here's How. 

I AM Allergic To Water 

Knowing this about myself sucks. I am so hyper aware of everything all the time that I question if the water I drink will cause anaphylaxis. I love certain brands of water and I refuse to drink certain brands like Arrow Head. I don't know how I decide which water to drink and which water not to drink but I know that I hate Arrow Head so much that I wonder if it's causing an allergic reaction. And I know that I like water from a Britta filter so much that I wonder if it's because I'm not allergic to it. I also wonder if this is a big reason I love swimming but don't go. There are some pools I'm in that I get so itch and red I wonder if I'm allergic to the chlorine. Which is why I think I've had so many severe reactions at Wet N' Wild I refuse to go there because I wonder if I am so allergic to their chlorine it's affecting me I have to go to the hospital. But I wonder if I were to go to another water park I'd be 100% fine. 

Sleep Is A Trigger

I am not allergic to sleep. But sleep affects my life so symptomatically that I am. Because I sleep is such an allergy symptom relief for me I feel like if I just go to bed for a few minutes I'll be fine. That lack of sleep and sleep exhaustion makes it look like I'm drunk. So if my symptoms are bad the likelihood is that I am so exhausted and dehydrated that I look 100% normal if I haven't slept a solid amount in the last month. So if I ever seem drunk, high, or tired. Tell me so I can go sleep for a few hours. 

I Hate Unfamiliar Social Situations 

I want to go to church and youth group so bad but have never found one accommodating symptom wise that I have never gone. Now that I know this there were several places I felt safe enough to and never gone and I regret that. So if you feel comfortable handling something if it were emergent please let me know. Because I probably want to but symptom wise I am not because I don't feel safe there. 

Life with this disease is a living hell. I can't explain that to people. But I wouldn't wish it on the worst person. So please take that into account if I cancel plans. 

With Love, 

Elizabeth <3 

Ephesians 2:5 

HOW to Best Help Me In An Emergency Situation

     Everybody lately has been asking me how. How can I best help you. Right now what can help you? With life right now this second how can I help you. The truth is guys when you ask me that... I don't know how. How is such a big word for me that the way I use it in my head I have talked myself right to unconsciousness twice... today alone. Who knows how many times my words in my head have affected this before. But what I have figured out is how you can best help me in the future. When something emergent medically in my life happens I now know what you can do to help me medically! Here's how.
My Thoughts And Anxiety Affects My Health Directly 
I don't know  how everybody else's mind affects them when they're sick. But I'm sick so often my brain is OK with it that I talk to myself the whole time. That to everyone else when I'm in the hospital it doesn't matter what I'm going through but I am the happiest pers

on there. So much so that when I'm hooked up to a breathing machine that is breathing for me so much that I'm happy. And I can't explain that feeling to someone unless you've ever had it happen to you. And I'm okay with that.
When I am Unconscious I Can Hear EVERYTHING you say 
I don't know if you know this if it does 100% so please act like it does. When I am passed out on the side walk so much so that they called a full code on me they started CPR on me I could FEEL it AND HEAR it and still REMEMBER it afterwards so when dealing with emergency situations such as this please keep this in mind when doing things. It will 100% affect me in the long run. So if CPR IS 100% NECESSARY IN THAT MOMENT DO IT!!! Because it will help me positively.
You Are Going To HAVE To Talk Me INTO Things 
If making me feel better is going to influence me taking my epi than please do that. Right now positively impacting my health would be to take epi because I know this. But long term I know that it's not. So please do talk me into things if you think it's necessary no matter how closely you're trying to positively impact me.
I Can't Describe Things To You 
Medically, I know the right words to describe things to you that you understand what's going on to me. Mentally, I have ZERO clue. So when I tell you I have the most severe chest pain I've ever had in my entire life. I know that that is going to get me admitted into the ER. Mentally, I can't describe what that feels like except for where and how much. If you were to ask me where I'll tell you and how much I'll tell you on the pain scale a ten. But mentally you doing know that that means my throat is also extremely itchy and swollen, I'm constantly burping because I'm nauseous, My chest pain is so severe, I can hear, I can talk, I can breathe but I'm still I am unconscious. I can't explain that to anyone and I wish I could. Which is why for so long so many medical professionals have thought I was FAKING being passed out.
Knowing these things I have been surviving for so long I am scared to go to sleep and it is affecting my day to day life. So PLEASE next time you think something emergent is happening like the fact that I am itchy or I tell you I have another life threatening symptom please tell me hey Elizabeth do you feel like you're in anaphylaxis right now. And I say yes please DO something about it and try to talk me through it. Because I may be mad at you for asking when it happens but PLEASE know I will not be mad at you for it later.
But still. Even after saying this I may only need xanex and be 100% FINE living normal life. So when all of these emergency things ARE happening please be the smart one of the situation and say hey maybe all she needs is anxiety medication at a high dose and be fine. With my health I am toeing such a thin flexibly placed line that it is both POSITIVELY AND NEGATIVELY affected my life. And because of this please remember these things when I am struggling symptom wise and look fine and every last medical professional is telling you it's just anxiety because my reality is it probably is JUST anxiety and I am  "over reacting".
I am just now figuring this out. I am struggling so much so physically that no one has pointed it out for days and for the first time I am realizing holy shit. Right now if I were in the hospital maintaining this kind of homeostasis for so long medically I WOULD without a doubt be dead right now because they would be doing CPR on me right now.
I know that freaks everyone out and that makes you scared to be with me alone. Trust me. I get that I am scared to be with me alone to the point I just choose not to sleep because I'm scared. I'm realizing that so much right now that I am contemplating if I were this aware all the time I would be in the hospital in 15 minutes. And that scares me. So if I ever ask you to drive somewhere please know medically I can. Mentally I don't know how I could even survive to get there. Which is how I'm trying to judge getting to places. And that's not fair to anyone. So know if we don't hang out or I bail on plans it's not because I can. Because I can go to work, I can go to Nebraska, I can drive, and cook. But right now I don't think that I will be able to. And that's okay.
Sorry this was such a long one. But thanks for sticking around! I appreciate it. If you ever have any questions on best to help me please ask me. I love educating people about what's going on in my life. But I never call or respond and that's just because I can't.

With Love,
Elizabeth <3
Jonah 2:1

Beautiful Weight

     I know you think that your words are helpful or encouraging or even just funny. But they're not. They actually hurt a lot. When I was put on prednisone for the first time I had no idea the kind of terrible awful impact that drug would have on my life. And yet, it's one of the many medications I take daily to help keep me alive. I've tried backing off of it and trying something else but my body is relying on that steroid daily to keep me from slipping into anaphylaxis. So I stay on it, because right now that's my only option.
     Prednisone is notorious for causing weight gain. You haven't had carb cravings from a steroid until it's 2am, you're half asleep wondering where you moved the bread to so that you can make a grilled cheese sandwich. I hate prednisone. Trust me, I hate gaining weight. I hate that this medication makes me gain weight. I'm trying everything I can to lose weight and curb future weight gain from this devil drug. But with conditions I can't work out like everyone else. I can only go for walks. I can't lift weights because I'll become fatigued and dizzy and pass out. I can't go for runs because my heart rate can't control itself and I'll end up with an irregular heartbeat and in the ER. I try to limit my intake but I'm on such a high sodium diet that my foods are by nature going to be of the unhealthy kind. I would love to not eat Ramen for breakfast anymore but right now that's my best option.
     So when I'm eating a snack, you saying "ugh you know that'll go straight to your hips" isn't funny at all. I know you laugh after saying it but I don't. I go home and try not to cry because I know I don't look my absolute best right now. I also know it'll be months.. maybe years until I can get back to a "normal" weight again. And what happens when I'm on this medication long term? When these six months turn into a year or two years? Now I have to think about what you think about my weight for another couple of years.
     I know you are trying to be kind when you offer to workout with me. Because you think that you can motivate me to push past my limits. But my limits are there for a reason. I used to be able to lift weights and run and sure, I may still be able to do that today but that will reek absolute havoc on my body. And the last thing I want to do is hold you back from your workout goals because I can't stand up anymore because I tried pushing past my limits.
     But my absolute comment is "man Elizabeth, it looks like you've lost weight this week." I haven't trust me. I've been standing on the scale every night hoping that maybe that would be true and it's not. I know you're trying to be encouraging but that comment isn't encouraging at all. Especially when once again I find myself on the scale hoping that something has changed. And then looking down and realizing either nothing has changed or I've gained more weight.
     I have a positive body image about myself.. Well, as positive as it can be. I know that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. But lately all of these comments about my weight have started to turn that positivity into negativity. So, I'm asking you kindly. Please stop mentioning my weight. Please keep your helpful and not so helpful comments about my weight to yourself. Because I'm over here trying to live my best life with or without all of my extra beautiful weight brought on by something that's helping to keep me ALIVE.

With Love,
Elizabeth <3

I'm Trying

    I am trying my hardest to be happy in my life right now. I am trying to be excited about this new chapter in my life and all of the new adventures ahead of me but it's been extremely difficult. I broke down this morning because I miss my church in Nebraska. I had made such a great life for me in Nebraska but all of a sudden I've been uprooted and having to figure everything out all over again. But I'm trying. So here's what's been going on the last few weeks while trying to get my life back together.

Beach Weekend!
     The family and I took a weekend trip to the beach in California. It was hard because my POTs was acting up. I adventured around California with my camelbak backpack filled with water and tried to stay as hydrated as possible. I'm trying to not let my illnesses get in my way. I'm finding ways to adapt to them and to try to be as normal as possible. But even after all of my adapting by the end of the weekend I was exhausted both mentally and physically. But even though I was flushed and dizzy most of the weekend I did have a good time. I got to walk along the beach and racked up about 5 miles of walking throughout the weekend which is amazing for me! I also tried boogie boarding, which didn't work out to well because I got slammed against the rocks and pushed under the waves, and then admitted defeat to the ocean and just watched from a distance.

First Hospital Visit in Las Vegas!
     Tuesday morning I was hope alone, except for the AC guys who were up in the attic. I don't know what happened. I was completely fine one minute and then the next minute I was a gonner. I always call the fire department when I have a reaction because it can go from bad to extremely bad really quickly. I called. They were having a hard time finding me. In Nebraska you were able to go online and fill out a form that would be kept in the dispatch system. My form basically said if they received a call from my number and no answer to automatically send help and my address for when I am unable to speak. But here in Vegas we don't have that system so they were having a difficult time finding me. The dispatcher asked if I was able to make it outside. I could but not all the way out to the street. The fire truck couldn't see me from where I was sitting so they kept driving. They were finally able to find me and took me to the hospital. My mom met me there and was able, for the first time, to see the reality of my mast cell activation disorder. They were able to give me my usual steroid, nebulizer treatments, and benadryl to help calm my reactions. Only after my two rounds of epi.

Another Ear Infection!
     Shortly after getting back from the beach I started getting extremely feverish. Like I would be running a fever of 103 and could not get it to break no matter how hard I tried. At first I thought it was just my body getting used to a change in my blood pressure medication dosage but one morning I woke up with extreme pain in my left ear. I was crying it hurt so bad. My friend drove me to Urgent Care where I have never been so humiliated by a "doctor". I'm used to medical professionals not believing me because my illnesses are invisible. And as frustrating as that is, I understand it. But this doctor completely dismissed the fact that I came in with a high fever, irregular heart rate, and extreme ear pain. She told me to stop being a drug seeker and was trying to discharge me without even looking at my ear! I finally talked her into just looking in my ear. And even after confirming that I did have a major ear infection she still wouldn't give me an antibiotic! Claiming that I was only trying to get add another medication to my list... Why? Why would I want to add ANOTHER medication to my list? Why would I want go through another set of side effects and take another pill if I really didn't have to. I needed the antibiotic to get better from the ear infection. After having to fight for the care I needed she finally wrote me a scrip for Z-packs and she had me escorted out of urgent care by security. I won't be going back to their facility anymore.

...Yet Another Allergic Reaction!
     On Friday, we had a family dinner. My parents were out of town camping but the rest of my family was there. I had yet another reaction. I couldn't immediately peg what caused it but I started to get extremely nauseous. I walked back over to my apartment and got sick shortly after getting home. I took two Benadryl and sat down on the floor to wait for them to kick in and make the nausea go away. (Gosh, I can't wait until I can get IM benadryl that will work faster.) The anaphylaxis hit again, fast, like always. I called my mom because that's what our deal was. My dad answered her phone and stayed on the phone with me until my Grandma and my uncle were able to come sit with me. By the time they got over to me I had already administered epi. They didn't understand why even though I was doing better I needed to go to the hospital. But my protocol is as soon as there is airway involvement I have to give epi, and if I give epi I have to go to the ER. My grandpa was kind enough to drive me to the ER and sit in the waiting room while I got checked out. I was taken back and was stable for a while. While sitting and waiting for the doctor I had a secondary rebound. The nurse came to check on me because she could hear me breathing... She hooked me up to the heart and O2 monitor, and umm well it wasn't good. I was sitting at 78% which is not great. The doctor came in and ordered benadryl IV, pepcid, and a steroid I had never gotten before. The nurse pushed the steroid first and all of a sudden it felt like my whole body was on fire. All I could do is scream and try to breathe. It burned so so bad. The nurse quickly pushed the benadryl and sat with me until the burning sensation dulled a bit. They moved me to a room right across from the nurses station so they could keep a constant eye on me. Which always makes me feel more at ease. They gave me IV normal saline and a neb treatment and then ended up releasing me later that night. After all of that we realized that the reaction was indeed caused by the antibiotics the cooky doctor from the night before put me on. The ER doc prescribed a new one before I left which was nice.

Keeping On!
     Even though the past few weeks have been a complete roller coaster that I feel like I can't get off of. A roller coaster that I don't want to be on I'm still trying to keep my spirits up. My new roommate and I met my parents up in the mountains and went for a short hike. I'm still trying to keep my hopes up and not let all of this medical jargon get the best of me. I'm trying and I think I'm doing a pretty good job at trying. I will keep my hope in Christ. Because I know he has a plan for me. Let's keep trying friends! Let's not lose hope. Because one day, it'll get better.

With Love,
Elizabeth <3

Fuel The Fight

    Hello friends! It's been a week. I have moved back across the country to Las Vegas and I have officially been here a full two days. And man they have been a full two days. I'm still extremely overwhelmed, like mental breakdown at 4pm because I can't find my favorite pajama shorts amist all the half open boxes. But before I get to that mental breakdown lets start at the very beginning... Getting to Vegas.
     I left Nebraska around 8am and my parents didn't leave until around noon. We were planning on stopping in a town about 4 hours west of Colorado. I was about an hour out and just getting past the mountain when it hit. It started with the itchy chest and the feeling of fire ants in the back of my throat. I managed to choke back two benardryl and some water. I thought maybe this would just be a small reaction so I kept driving. About ten minutes later it was full force. I pulled over on the side of the interstate (which scared me more than the actual interstate part) and called 911. I always call when I'm alone and have to use an epi pen in case it doesn't help or it gets worse. Than at least I know help is on the way. The only part was I was now in a canyon with not a whole lot of cell service. It took about three minutes longer to get them dispatched to me because they just couldn't find me they also couldn't hear what I was saying because of the poor service. They finally found me. I was one epi in and about to hit myself with a second one. When the fire department got there my O2 was in the 80's range. They took me to the back of the ambulance and gave me a neb treatment. My breathing did a 180 and started improving. I decided not to go to the hospital by ambulance. They followed me to the next exit to make sure I was okay and then I stopped at a gas station to take a break. I was able to make it to my destination in one piece although I was two hours later than expected. That's the reality of this one minute I'm having anaphylaxis and the next minute I'm fine. It's frustrating and scary.
      The thing is, I'm using that fear to fuel me. To fuel my fight. I'm trying to push my boundaries and I'm paying for that every minute. While in Colorado I went for a hike to Hanging Lake which is a mile and a half hike straight up. It kicked my butt. And it took a lot of effort and a lot of stopping and taking a break before I finally made it. And that climb, and the view at the top was worth it. I'm taking one step at a time. Moving home has been daunting. I loved my independence and being far from home. I feel like even though I'm still technically living on my own just near my parents, I'm still under a microscope. It's a huge adjustment coming back. But I know it's what's right right now. I've been going from one doctor to another.
      Since I've been home, even though it's only been two days, I've already had an allergist appointment with my favorite allergist. One that doesn't say it's all in my head and that I'm holding my breath to lower my oxygen levels. He's so helpful! We talked today about what our next step is after my two month prednisone taper is done in three weeks. We talked about two options the first one is cromolyn sodium and the second one is a Xolair shot. He told me to go home and research them both and to come back in a month and we'd discuss it further. He cares about my opinion. He is thinking the cromolyn sodium is the best option for me right now, but it comes with GI side effects. And since I'm already having some GI symptoms he wants approval from a gastroantorolgist before he puts me on it. I haven't had a chance to set up that appointment yet, but hopefully I can get into one relatively quickly.
     During the appointment my POTS got the best of me and my blood pressure tanked when I stood up. The doctor was still in the room at the time when I collapsed. I didn't pass out which is always a good thing. I just got really weak and my legs apparently decided they no longer wanted to support the rest of me. They took my blood pressure while I was still sitting on the floor and it was around 92/68 I think. We know that abuterol has an adverse affect on my blood pressure. For normal people albuterol lowers the blood pressure, it tends to raise mine. The doctor gave me a breathing treatment and we were able to get my bp back up to around 110/74ish. He had me drink two bottles of water before he would let me drive home. He wanted me to go to the ER and get fluids but we decided that it wasn't necessary yet. I went home and ate ramen for the sodium and drank 64 more ounces of water before I let myself take a nap. I was exhausted. That hour doctor appointment wiped me. My fear is fueling this fight. This never ending exhausting fight. "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." Psalm 31:24  Keep strong friends!
With Love,
Elizabeth <3

The Hardest Decision

     Yesterday, sitting in the ER after yet another scary near death experience, I made one of the hardest decisions I have yet to make. I decided it was time for me to move back home to Vegas. This picture was taken after a full mental breakdown and before a second full mental breakdown. I have gotten to the point where I have nearly died (no that is not an exaggeration) in the back of to many ambulances to be half a country away from my family. This is something that I've been thinking about for the last couple of weeks. But I was thinking maybe the end of the year or at the soonest in the next few months. But when I was in the ER last night I broke. I texted my mom and said I was ready to come home. She took the first flight out this morning to help me start packing.
     I think I'm holding it together so far. But on the inside my heart is breaking. Nebraska has become my home. It's the first place I have ever felt like I've really belonged. Apart of my heart is staying in Nebraska and the rest of me has to find the emotional strength to keep going to Nevada. My now roommate has honestly become one of my closest friends I've ever had and I've only known her for six months. She knew about my health issues and she still decided to move in with me. I gave her plenty of outs throughout our friendship and she still stuck with me. That means so much more to me then she will ever know. And now I feel like I'm just abandoning her. She tells me she's okay, that my health is what matters but I'm scared I'll lose her friendship to the distance and I know my leaving her so suddenly is way more than she anticipated to deal with this Summer. I'm trying to make our last few days living together exciting and at least a little bit memorable but nothing I can think of seems like enough. I mean how do you thank someone for spending countless hours in the ER with you and checking to make sure you're still breathing when they leave for work? You just can't thank them enough, I can't thank her enough.
      I've also had to put in my two weeks at work tonight. And even though I haven't actually worked a shift in almost two months it still hurts. That was my first job in EMS, they were my work family who looked out for me and who I've shared so many jokes with. They weren't always my favorite humans but I love them and I don't want to leave. There were weeks I saw that station more than my own apartment and now I just have to leave it? It's hard. I teared up just texting my boss about giving my two weeks. I'm going to be a hot mess tomorrow when I go to pick up my stuff and say goodbye.
     Nebraska has changed my life. I feel like my decision to move home is giving up and admitting defeat to my illness. Like I'm finally letting my sickness control my life. And I know that's not a good way of looking at it. I know this move is what's best for me and that when I get control of everything I can always move back here. But things will be different then and what if I don't get to the point I'm able to come back? There's just a lot going through my mind right now and I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to focus on the new adventures ahead and the possibility that one day I'll feel in control of my health again. But that's hard to do. For now I will keep praying for peace and guidance, I'll try to keep my crying and mental breakdowns to a minimum as I start packing, and I'll try to make as many memories as I can before I leave. Who knows what my future holds, what I do know is that the people I've met here have changed my life and they will always have a place in my heart.

With Love,
Elizabeth <3

The Fire During My Hospital Stay

     Oh fifth floor adult inpatient unit, how I wish I wasn't so familiar with your halls. I was recently released from a five day hospital vacation. I wish I could say that it yielded more answers to what feels like my never ending health problems, but alas, it did not. I don't want to say it was a complete waste of five days and a ton of hospital bills, but right now that's what it feels like. I didn't have my computer with me to update my blog while I was there, but I did have my phone! So here's a recap of me week!

     Intake was about a three hour process. I was supposed to be a scheduled admission but something on the hospital's end got messed up and there wasn't a bed already ready for me. Which was frustrating and I should have just ran for the hills then. Thankfully, I wore my comfiest clothes and had my phone charger handy so sitting in the waiting room wasn't a huge deal, I was just hungry.
      While I was sitting in the waiting area starving myself to death my body had a different idea. I had an allergic reaction. I noticed my chest was super itchy and that I was starting to get nauseous. I followed my protocol; take 50mg of oral benadryl and wait. After about ten minutes of trying not to itch my chest my throat began feeling tight. I took a puff of my albuterol inhaler to see if maybe that would help. No relief. It started to get way worse. The impending doom feeling was setting in which is my sure sign it's time to get help. I staggered up to the front counter clutching my chest. The lady could probably hear my breathing from across the room. I stabbed myself with an epi pen and we quickly got me a wheelchair over to the ER. I was then admitted as an ER patient and six hours from the time I originally showed up that morning I was taken to my room. It was a frustrating start to the next four days.

     Day two was supposed to be my big testing day and then go home on day three. Turns out that wasn't the case. Since being admitted I hadn't been able to go a full 12 hours without a near anaphylaxis episode. And without knowing what was triggering them my doctor wasn't comfortable sending me home. The silver lining of having so many reactions in a controlled environment is that we were able to constantly monitor me throughout the whole thing. The doctor said I have what he would call "atypical anaphylactic reactions". Which means that instead of my blood pressure dropping like a normal anaphylactic reaction mine actually sky rockets. 10 minutes before a reaction my blood pressure would be around 115/70s. During a reaction my blood pressure would shoot up to almost 180/90s. This would happen consistently almost every single time. After doing some research my doctor was able to link this to mast cell activation. He said a lot of patient's with the same thing as me have the same time up blood pressure jumps during a reaction. He said this is probably why it gets mistaken for a panic attack so often. It's highly highly unusual that the blood pressure would go up instead of down. So at least we're slowly learning new things about my condition. Baby steps right?
     Day four was the most difficult day emotionally. I was just done with being in the hospital. They wouldn't let me off of the inpatient floor (for good reason) so I felt like I was trapped. The floor went in a circle and if you walked that circle 9 times it made a mile... I walked four miles that day... I watched several episodes of HGTV and The Food Network shows only because that's all that was on. I was starting to get a meek outlook on being there. Up to this point I was fine with being an inpatient. I knew that by being there I was safe, getting the care that I needed, and we were learning more about how my messed up body works. But day three my brain was just done. My nurse was a little on the crabby side and wasn't much for small talk and conversation, the medication they had started me on was starting to make me feel weak and lethargic and I was starting to get sick of hospital food. It was just all around a bad day mentally. On top of all of that my IV decided to start leaking a strange color fluid so we had to start a new one in my hand. Which is my least favorite place to start an IV. I hate it, and it took 45 minutes and a pediatric nurse to find a vein that was usable enough. The only real excitement I had that day was this fire alarm/ drill. It ended up being a false alarm but we were actually told to be prepared to evacuate the floor. Because a real fire had been reported on our floor in the East tower. The fire department showed up (none of them were cute dangit) and we were given the all clear and I was able to resume my laps around the hallway.

     I was finally released around noon on day five! No really big new news to report, but at least I had a little more information. At least I had been validated by a doctor that this wasn't anxiety or all in my head. As sucky as it was I would do it again to learn more about how to better take care of myself, and how to better treat my reactions. Hopefully, I'm able to stay out of the hospital for a while though. This is me in my car with my IV site bandaged up which means I got the okay to go home! Friends, whatever your sucky situation is this week, hit it head on. I believe in you! 

With Love, 

Elizabeth <3 

   
                                                                                                             

What I Wish I Could Tell You

   * This post is something I have been struggling with lately. I'm sure this is something a lot of people with chronic illness struggle with as well but these are based on my experiences and everyone's experience may be different. If you have anything you would like to add let me know! We're a stronger community when we build each other up and share though and ideas.*

Hi friends! I decided to make this list because I'm not good at sharing what I'm thinking aloud. This is a list of things I wish I could tell my boyfriend. I haven't shared these with him directly because it's a lot to talk about and once again I'm better at putting my words onto pages instead of sharing them out loud. So here's my list!

*We started dating before I was seriously sick. You were kind of pulled into this out of the blue and the fact that you've stuck around this long means so much to me.
*There are very few days when I feel well enough to go out or be social. Please be patient with me when we have plans and all I can manage is sitting on the couch watching movies with you.
*It takes so much energy to get ready everyday let alone get prettied up to go out. If you come over on a non date night and I'm in sweats with my hair up in a bun please don't be offended. I want to look good for you but sometimes I just can't.
*I know I sound needy often, and trust me when I say I try not to be, but sometimes I just want to talk about life and you're the only person I can think to text. Sometimes just asking how I'm feeling that day makes me feel special and thought about.
*I know I can't just rely on you. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone. I try not to only rely on you, I try to find support in other people too. I'm sorry if you still feel like I'm only turning to you. You're still someone who makes me feel safe and like everything is going to be okay.
*I wish you would just ask me questions. If you have a question about what's going on with me health wise ask, if you want to know why I canceled plans, or if you haven't heard from me in three days and want to make sure I'm still alive just ask me. I'm not good at volunteering information. I am better at explaining things as it is asked.
*Just by being someone I can talk to you already help me so much.
*I would really really love it if when you know I'm having a shitty day and you have extra time if you just ask if there's anything you can do to help. There are some days when walking from my bed to the couch is enough to start planning my funeral let alone trying to figure out how to feed myself. Even if you don't have time to hang around dropping off food so I at least don't starve from salvation is enough for me to never be able to thank you enough.
*Please tell me if I'm being to needy or clingy. It's hard for me to keep myself in check and sometimes I don't notice I'm to in your face.
*I'm still Elizabeth, the joyful, delightful, fun human being I was when we first met. It's just masked sometimes. I try to bring her out as much as I can!
*The biggest one I want you to know is you always have an out. We're dating and my health is a lot to spring on someone and expect them to just be okay with. So I want you to know that if it gets to much to handle you have an out. You can tell me that all of this is to much handle and walk away. No harm, no foul. It will suck on my end but I would completely understand.100% I would not hold a grudge against you for walking away. I hope and pray that you don't, that you stick with me through all of this the good and the bad times, but I understand if you can't. But, just a heads up, if you do take the out I may be keeping the shorts I may or may not have stolen. Mostly because they're comfy as hell.
*There's a lot more that I want to add to the list but this is it for now. Thank you for sticking with me this far and putting up with the sick Elizabeth. It may not get better but, I will learn how to cope with it better. Better days are to come and I hope you're apart of them.

With Love,
Elizabeth <3

The Daily Climb: A picture album update

Hey friends! I've been struggling to write lately, but I have been taking lots of pictures. I have put them together in a viewable album. Hopefully this can give you guys a better look at what day to day life is like. I hope to do more of these in the future because I like doing these way more than vlogging. Let me know what you think! I have lots of doctors' appointments coming up that I'll update you all on soon. I'm sending my love to all of you!
With Love,
Elizabeth <3

The Daily Climb Photo Album

Where My Brain Goes

   
     Doubt. Self doubt. Doubt about the future. Doubt about where my health is heading. Doubt about just life in general. Just doubt. It's just like anxiety, in fact it's fueled by anxiety. Your brain can start doubting something and then the anxiety takes hold of that doubt and runs with it. And trust me, anxiety runs with it fast. In the last few days I have had some disappointing news about my health. They won't confirm any diagnoses until I turn in my heart monitor in in thirty days. But they're theory is postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS for short). They also said it may not be getting any better whether it's that or something else. As it is right now, even if I am only getting one thing at the store I still have to get a cart to lean on because my legs are to weak to stand on my own. I get so short of breath just having a long conversation even if I'm sitting during the conversation.
     My cardiologist said if this continues he's not sure if I can continue working. And my work is something I take so much pride in. I don't want to lose that. I know I can't let the worry consume me because God has everything in his hands. But that's a huge life change all at once.
     The other thing I worry about is losing everyone I'm close to. I've lost friends to health problems before it's just not something they can understand. It's hard for someone on the outside to understand what I'm going through. And that's fine, I can't blame them one bit for that. But I'm terrified to lose my roommate, my friends, and especially my boyfriend. I don't have a lot of family in Nebraska and if I lose them, I'm on my own. I'm left without a support system and health issues without a support system is a whole other struggle.
     The doubt of life is getting to me. My anxiety is getting to me. My brain is a black whole that never ends, that I can never calm down or shut off together. I just don't know if I can keep going anymore. It all got so overwhelming tonight that I got in my car and just started driving, and then I almost ran out of gas. So I stopped and got weak while pumping gas so I turned around and went home and just contemplated life in the parking lot and not on the interstate. But still, even with all the doubt and anxiety I will move forward. I will take life one small step at a time.
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

With Love,
Elizabeth <3

How To Help A Loved One

     I've decided that something that helps me in a time of panic or depression that being alone is actually one of the worst things for me. Even though I hate being a burden and will often try to hide by myself so I don't bother people. But, people lately have been asking me what they can do to help. And my best answer is just to be there. Sometimes all I need is a shoulder to cry on. No words, no offers of advice just a shoulder. Sometimes I just need to cry. But if you want to do more here's a list of things I compiled that I know helps me. This list isn't the same for everyone and what works for me might not be as helpful for your loved one. But here goes.

How To Help Your Loved One:
~ hold them
   * don't say anything just hug them if they allow and be there. Trust me, your presence is enough.

~ help them breath
   * this one is tricky. Don't coach them how to breath just say breath with me and slow your breath so they can match it. It usually takes me a minute but trying to focus on how he is breathing takes so much effort that it actually calms the panic and "grounds me"

~ know their triggers
   *It's possible that your loved one won't even know their own triggers so you might have to pay a little more attention with this one. What makes them anxious, what puts them in that dark place, what makes them breath a little faster? Once you figure these out try to minimize the triggers or be around when they are in those situations.

~ give them an out
    * For me, I'm not big on social gatherings. Sometimes all I need is for someone to say hey do you want to go outside for a minute? Yes! Yes! I want to go outside for a minute!

~ be encouraging
    * They are going to have down days. Days where what ever they're going through will be so overwhelming that they can't get themselves out of bed. Encourage them. Don't make them feel bad or small because today wasn't the day they could conquer the world. Encourage them to get up and take a shower or something small and if they do, great! If they don't that's okay. But on days where they do get out of bed and conquer the world, or even something small, celebrate it. Make them feel like they've succeeded at something magical. Because trust me, they did.

~ you're important too
   * This one is more for you. Your mental health is important too. Just remember that.

Well friends, that's all I've got for now. I'm sure there are so many more that I could list but these are the big ones for me. Please let me know if you have any questions or comments or things you would want to add! Feel free to share this list with who ever you would like to. The more people that know how to help the better.

With Love,
Elizabeth <3

Piecing It Back Together

*Trigger Warning: Car Accidents & Thoughts of self harm*
     Well friends let's back up about a week. I was involved in a car accident about a week ago. The car in front of me on the highway rolled into a ditch. The driver had a heart attack, which is what caused the accident, and after several minutes of CPR they declared him deceased in the hospital. There was also a four year old in the backseat while all of this was happening. When the sheriffs arrived on scene they pulled the little girl out of the back seat and tried to calm her down. She was so upset. She wouldn't stop crying. After the driver was taken to the hospital I asked the officer if I could hold the little girl. i took her from him and walked over to the cop car, we watched the lights and I rubbed her back and sang "Jesus Loves Me". While holding her I did a visual assessment. Her pupils were equal and reactive, she was talking, no obvious sign of injury. She was by all standards fine. By the time the second ambulance arrived for her I had calmed her down. They decided to take her in just to be sure there was nothing wrong. The fire department allowed me to help them take vitals on her because she had started to trust me. She was stable when I left her. Nothing out of the ordinary.
     A week later the department had their critical scene debriefing and I joined in via skype. It was then that I was informed that the little girl who was holding so tightly to me at the scene had passed away in the hospital later that day. She had a brain bleed that we couldn't have caught on the scene. Unfortunately the bleed was caused by circumstances outside of the car accident. I wish there was more I could have done. I wish she could have shown me one sign that maybe that one sign could have changed our course of care. I started down that spiral that so many people in my profession start down.
     I didn't know what to do. I was beating myself up for things that I couldn't change. I know that I couldn't change anything, but there's always those what if's. What if she had shown a sign that I could have sped up her care. I found myself sitting on the floor in the kitchen with a knife wondering if maybe I'm not worth the next few breaths. I take this very seriously. I caught myself, I caught those thoughts and they scared me. I needed help. It's okay to ask for help. I booked a ticket for the next flight home. It was last minute, but it needed to happen. I couldn't be alone for the rest of the night and I knew that the people who understood me most were back in Las Vegas. So I had to go. I packed my bags and while sitting in the car getting ready to go my mom called me. She could tell something was off earlier in the day, but I didn't tell her what was wrong. She had called me to check on me. I told her I was coming home and asked if she could pick me up. She didn't believe me at first and thought I was joking, but when she realized I was serious I think she was relieved. She knew that me coming home was the best thing for me.
     Over the next few days I went on walks with my mom, I went to the fire department and was able to talk to them about how they deal with calls like these. I also got to talk to family members who have also been through things like this. Sometimes talking about things and confronting your feelings is the best way to understand yourself. They say laughter is the best medicine and I can honestly say that after three days of being home this is true. I know that I have a ways to go. That the spiral will continue if I don't keep hitting it head on. But going home helped. Asking for help was the best thing I could have done for myself. Sometimes taking time for you is what you need to help piece yourself back together.
     So the next time you catch yourself thinking things that scare you. Take time to ask for help. Ask whoever. I've found that almost everyone is willing to help if they know what's wrong.

With Love,
Elizabeth