Beautiful Weight

     I know you think that your words are helpful or encouraging or even just funny. But they're not. They actually hurt a lot. When I was put on prednisone for the first time I had no idea the kind of terrible awful impact that drug would have on my life. And yet, it's one of the many medications I take daily to help keep me alive. I've tried backing off of it and trying something else but my body is relying on that steroid daily to keep me from slipping into anaphylaxis. So I stay on it, because right now that's my only option.
     Prednisone is notorious for causing weight gain. You haven't had carb cravings from a steroid until it's 2am, you're half asleep wondering where you moved the bread to so that you can make a grilled cheese sandwich. I hate prednisone. Trust me, I hate gaining weight. I hate that this medication makes me gain weight. I'm trying everything I can to lose weight and curb future weight gain from this devil drug. But with conditions I can't work out like everyone else. I can only go for walks. I can't lift weights because I'll become fatigued and dizzy and pass out. I can't go for runs because my heart rate can't control itself and I'll end up with an irregular heartbeat and in the ER. I try to limit my intake but I'm on such a high sodium diet that my foods are by nature going to be of the unhealthy kind. I would love to not eat Ramen for breakfast anymore but right now that's my best option.
     So when I'm eating a snack, you saying "ugh you know that'll go straight to your hips" isn't funny at all. I know you laugh after saying it but I don't. I go home and try not to cry because I know I don't look my absolute best right now. I also know it'll be months.. maybe years until I can get back to a "normal" weight again. And what happens when I'm on this medication long term? When these six months turn into a year or two years? Now I have to think about what you think about my weight for another couple of years.
     I know you are trying to be kind when you offer to workout with me. Because you think that you can motivate me to push past my limits. But my limits are there for a reason. I used to be able to lift weights and run and sure, I may still be able to do that today but that will reek absolute havoc on my body. And the last thing I want to do is hold you back from your workout goals because I can't stand up anymore because I tried pushing past my limits.
     But my absolute comment is "man Elizabeth, it looks like you've lost weight this week." I haven't trust me. I've been standing on the scale every night hoping that maybe that would be true and it's not. I know you're trying to be encouraging but that comment isn't encouraging at all. Especially when once again I find myself on the scale hoping that something has changed. And then looking down and realizing either nothing has changed or I've gained more weight.
     I have a positive body image about myself.. Well, as positive as it can be. I know that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. But lately all of these comments about my weight have started to turn that positivity into negativity. So, I'm asking you kindly. Please stop mentioning my weight. Please keep your helpful and not so helpful comments about my weight to yourself. Because I'm over here trying to live my best life with or without all of my extra beautiful weight brought on by something that's helping to keep me ALIVE.

With Love,
Elizabeth <3