Where My Brain Goes

   
     Doubt. Self doubt. Doubt about the future. Doubt about where my health is heading. Doubt about just life in general. Just doubt. It's just like anxiety, in fact it's fueled by anxiety. Your brain can start doubting something and then the anxiety takes hold of that doubt and runs with it. And trust me, anxiety runs with it fast. In the last few days I have had some disappointing news about my health. They won't confirm any diagnoses until I turn in my heart monitor in in thirty days. But they're theory is postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS for short). They also said it may not be getting any better whether it's that or something else. As it is right now, even if I am only getting one thing at the store I still have to get a cart to lean on because my legs are to weak to stand on my own. I get so short of breath just having a long conversation even if I'm sitting during the conversation.
     My cardiologist said if this continues he's not sure if I can continue working. And my work is something I take so much pride in. I don't want to lose that. I know I can't let the worry consume me because God has everything in his hands. But that's a huge life change all at once.
     The other thing I worry about is losing everyone I'm close to. I've lost friends to health problems before it's just not something they can understand. It's hard for someone on the outside to understand what I'm going through. And that's fine, I can't blame them one bit for that. But I'm terrified to lose my roommate, my friends, and especially my boyfriend. I don't have a lot of family in Nebraska and if I lose them, I'm on my own. I'm left without a support system and health issues without a support system is a whole other struggle.
     The doubt of life is getting to me. My anxiety is getting to me. My brain is a black whole that never ends, that I can never calm down or shut off together. I just don't know if I can keep going anymore. It all got so overwhelming tonight that I got in my car and just started driving, and then I almost ran out of gas. So I stopped and got weak while pumping gas so I turned around and went home and just contemplated life in the parking lot and not on the interstate. But still, even with all the doubt and anxiety I will move forward. I will take life one small step at a time.
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

With Love,
Elizabeth <3