The Hardest Decision

     Yesterday, sitting in the ER after yet another scary near death experience, I made one of the hardest decisions I have yet to make. I decided it was time for me to move back home to Vegas. This picture was taken after a full mental breakdown and before a second full mental breakdown. I have gotten to the point where I have nearly died (no that is not an exaggeration) in the back of to many ambulances to be half a country away from my family. This is something that I've been thinking about for the last couple of weeks. But I was thinking maybe the end of the year or at the soonest in the next few months. But when I was in the ER last night I broke. I texted my mom and said I was ready to come home. She took the first flight out this morning to help me start packing.
     I think I'm holding it together so far. But on the inside my heart is breaking. Nebraska has become my home. It's the first place I have ever felt like I've really belonged. Apart of my heart is staying in Nebraska and the rest of me has to find the emotional strength to keep going to Nevada. My now roommate has honestly become one of my closest friends I've ever had and I've only known her for six months. She knew about my health issues and she still decided to move in with me. I gave her plenty of outs throughout our friendship and she still stuck with me. That means so much more to me then she will ever know. And now I feel like I'm just abandoning her. She tells me she's okay, that my health is what matters but I'm scared I'll lose her friendship to the distance and I know my leaving her so suddenly is way more than she anticipated to deal with this Summer. I'm trying to make our last few days living together exciting and at least a little bit memorable but nothing I can think of seems like enough. I mean how do you thank someone for spending countless hours in the ER with you and checking to make sure you're still breathing when they leave for work? You just can't thank them enough, I can't thank her enough.
      I've also had to put in my two weeks at work tonight. And even though I haven't actually worked a shift in almost two months it still hurts. That was my first job in EMS, they were my work family who looked out for me and who I've shared so many jokes with. They weren't always my favorite humans but I love them and I don't want to leave. There were weeks I saw that station more than my own apartment and now I just have to leave it? It's hard. I teared up just texting my boss about giving my two weeks. I'm going to be a hot mess tomorrow when I go to pick up my stuff and say goodbye.
     Nebraska has changed my life. I feel like my decision to move home is giving up and admitting defeat to my illness. Like I'm finally letting my sickness control my life. And I know that's not a good way of looking at it. I know this move is what's best for me and that when I get control of everything I can always move back here. But things will be different then and what if I don't get to the point I'm able to come back? There's just a lot going through my mind right now and I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to focus on the new adventures ahead and the possibility that one day I'll feel in control of my health again. But that's hard to do. For now I will keep praying for peace and guidance, I'll try to keep my crying and mental breakdowns to a minimum as I start packing, and I'll try to make as many memories as I can before I leave. Who knows what my future holds, what I do know is that the people I've met here have changed my life and they will always have a place in my heart.

With Love,
Elizabeth <3