*Trigger Warning: Car Accidents & Thoughts of self harm*
Well friends let's back up about a week. I was involved in a car accident about a week ago. The car in front of me on the highway rolled into a ditch. The driver had a heart attack, which is what caused the accident, and after several minutes of CPR they declared him deceased in the hospital. There was also a four year old in the backseat while all of this was happening. When the sheriffs arrived on scene they pulled the little girl out of the back seat and tried to calm her down. She was so upset. She wouldn't stop crying. After the driver was taken to the hospital I asked the officer if I could hold the little girl. i took her from him and walked over to the cop car, we watched the lights and I rubbed her back and sang "Jesus Loves Me". While holding her I did a visual assessment. Her pupils were equal and reactive, she was talking, no obvious sign of injury. She was by all standards fine. By the time the second ambulance arrived for her I had calmed her down. They decided to take her in just to be sure there was nothing wrong. The fire department allowed me to help them take vitals on her because she had started to trust me. She was stable when I left her. Nothing out of the ordinary.
A week later the department had their critical scene debriefing and I joined in via skype. It was then that I was informed that the little girl who was holding so tightly to me at the scene had passed away in the hospital later that day. She had a brain bleed that we couldn't have caught on the scene. Unfortunately the bleed was caused by circumstances outside of the car accident. I wish there was more I could have done. I wish she could have shown me one sign that maybe that one sign could have changed our course of care. I started down that spiral that so many people in my profession start down.
I didn't know what to do. I was beating myself up for things that I couldn't change. I know that I couldn't change anything, but there's always those what if's. What if she had shown a sign that I could have sped up her care. I found myself sitting on the floor in the kitchen with a knife wondering if maybe I'm not worth the next few breaths. I take this very seriously. I caught myself, I caught those thoughts and they scared me. I needed help. It's okay to ask for help. I booked a ticket for the next flight home. It was last minute, but it needed to happen. I couldn't be alone for the rest of the night and I knew that the people who understood me most were back in Las Vegas. So I had to go. I packed my bags and while sitting in the car getting ready to go my mom called me. She could tell something was off earlier in the day, but I didn't tell her what was wrong. She had called me to check on me. I told her I was coming home and asked if she could pick me up. She didn't believe me at first and thought I was joking, but when she realized I was serious I think she was relieved. She knew that me coming home was the best thing for me.
Over the next few days I went on walks with my mom, I went to the fire department and was able to talk to them about how they deal with calls like these. I also got to talk to family members who have also been through things like this. Sometimes talking about things and confronting your feelings is the best way to understand yourself. They say laughter is the best medicine and I can honestly say that after three days of being home this is true. I know that I have a ways to go. That the spiral will continue if I don't keep hitting it head on. But going home helped. Asking for help was the best thing I could have done for myself. Sometimes taking time for you is what you need to help piece yourself back together.
So the next time you catch yourself thinking things that scare you. Take time to ask for help. Ask whoever. I've found that almost everyone is willing to help if they know what's wrong.
With Love,
Elizabeth
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