Where My Brain Goes

   
     Doubt. Self doubt. Doubt about the future. Doubt about where my health is heading. Doubt about just life in general. Just doubt. It's just like anxiety, in fact it's fueled by anxiety. Your brain can start doubting something and then the anxiety takes hold of that doubt and runs with it. And trust me, anxiety runs with it fast. In the last few days I have had some disappointing news about my health. They won't confirm any diagnoses until I turn in my heart monitor in in thirty days. But they're theory is postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS for short). They also said it may not be getting any better whether it's that or something else. As it is right now, even if I am only getting one thing at the store I still have to get a cart to lean on because my legs are to weak to stand on my own. I get so short of breath just having a long conversation even if I'm sitting during the conversation.
     My cardiologist said if this continues he's not sure if I can continue working. And my work is something I take so much pride in. I don't want to lose that. I know I can't let the worry consume me because God has everything in his hands. But that's a huge life change all at once.
     The other thing I worry about is losing everyone I'm close to. I've lost friends to health problems before it's just not something they can understand. It's hard for someone on the outside to understand what I'm going through. And that's fine, I can't blame them one bit for that. But I'm terrified to lose my roommate, my friends, and especially my boyfriend. I don't have a lot of family in Nebraska and if I lose them, I'm on my own. I'm left without a support system and health issues without a support system is a whole other struggle.
     The doubt of life is getting to me. My anxiety is getting to me. My brain is a black whole that never ends, that I can never calm down or shut off together. I just don't know if I can keep going anymore. It all got so overwhelming tonight that I got in my car and just started driving, and then I almost ran out of gas. So I stopped and got weak while pumping gas so I turned around and went home and just contemplated life in the parking lot and not on the interstate. But still, even with all the doubt and anxiety I will move forward. I will take life one small step at a time.
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

With Love,
Elizabeth <3

April 2017 Hospital Stay

     Good morning friends! I am officially out of the hospital and trying to fend for myself in the real world without someone checking in on me every hour. It's both exciting and extremely scary. They sent me home on a heart monitor for 30 days. Which actually isn't that bad. I have pictures of my hospital stay! I don't really have much to write today. But I'll keep you posted. For now, please enjoy these pictures of me being awesome and ruling the cardiac floor of the hospital! Also look for a new vlog video on YouTube soon! I will add a link in the video section of the blog as soon as it's posted.

With Love,
Elizabeth Keane <3

It all started with a trip to the ER... I was seen for low potassium. They gave me IV potassium, and oral potassium which then made me extremely nauseous. So until 2am, when they took me up to the cardiac floor, I got sick, watched Netflix, and tried to sleep.

DAY 1: I finally got up to my room around 2am. They gave me another bag of fluids which ran until 9am. I was allowed to move around but it took some effort. I did my hair and make up and then my roommate came and we did laps around the floor. She followed me with a wheelchair just in case. I actually became friends with other patients and patient's family which was really awesome. Everyone was very much encouraging.

Day 2: My roommate came back out to spend the day with me again. This was the first day we saw the nephrologist. It was a hard day as far as anxiety goes. My nurse let me go outside as long as I stayed in a wheelchair and we took a tech with us. My room had a counter with a window and they would catch me sitting on the counter watching the nice weather out the window. I thought about escaping, but I wasn't allowed.

Today was an emotional whip lash. They told me I was going home, then told me I wasn't, then finally they told me I was going home! The night was rough I was short of breath with a high heart rate few times. So I was on oxygen on and off. The nurses saw I was frustrated and snuck me ice cream to cheer me up! The top right was the world's greatest nurse! She was amazing and I can't thank her enough for everything she did!! 

And The Storm Continues

 
      Friends. I've found myself in a health predicament. I'm a little bit "out of commission" right now and I don't have to many solid updates. But here's what I know so far:

-the diagnosis of hyperaldosteronism has been scrapped. They think that I have been missed diagnosed as I only show the low potassium symptom of that diagnoses.
-I am extremely weak and short of breath. I had to sit down on the floor of the bathroom today while I was changing because standing up was just to much for me.
-I also know that I'll be here for at least a few more days as we try to search for answers.

      I'll have a better update as I learn more but for now here are some pictures of my hospital stay thus far. I am beyond blessed to have friends who will stick with me through all of this. I am struggling but there's a light at the end of the tunnel so I will put my trust in the Lord and take each day one step at a time.

With Love,
Elizabeth <3

This Is Real Life

   

     I got off of work at 6 am which means I was home by 6:30 this morning. Wearing my boyfriend's gym shorts and my work polo I stumbled out of my car trying to get the energy to walk up the stairs. Only after being called a hooker did I find that energy, but that's a story for a different day. We had a busy night at work last night and I only managed to find about an hour of sleep in between calls. Which is fine. I love my job, and if I lose a little sleep it's not the end of the world. I had nothing planned for the day today besides doing around the house things so I wasn't worried. 

     I got home to find all the laundry I did yesterday folded on my bed. I struggled to put it away so I could crawl into bed and go back to sleep. I finally did it, turning off the TV and closing my curtains I finally crawled into my happy place. I was able to get about an hour of sleep... and then life decided to throw me a curve ball, because why the hell not?                                                                                                           Sitting in bed my heart rate began to climb way higher than it should. It started climbing slowly. At first it was slightly elevated at 120 resting, no big deal. I took a few deep breaths and figured it would pass. It didn't. A few minutes later,

after doing nothing but laying in bed, it rose to 140, and then a little more to 160. I was getting really short of breath. Just sitting up was more of a struggle than it should have been. That's when I decided to take myself in.                              Upon ER intake my heart was in what they call "SVT" which is a fancy term for an insanely fast heart rate and also rather dangerous if left untreated. My heart rate had climbed to 186 resting, my breathing rate was on the higher end of the normal range and my blood pressure was through the roof. These things aren't normal for a 20 year old. Then again when have I ever been normal?
      I was marked as an urgent intake which means there were 6-7 nurses waiting for me when I was wheeled back. They took an EKG and labs, a chest Xray, and a urine sample all within 5 minutes of me shakily walking through the door. And then they left, and the quiet started in. I came prepared with a blanket from home and my tablet to watch Netflix on and started the waiting game.
     The nurse and doc came in about 30 minutes later to tell me that my potassium was indeed low. 2.7. This isn't the lowest that it's been but because my symptoms were so bad we decided to both IV and oral potassium. This IV potassium is about an hour and a half long process. So I settled in again for some Netflix and maybe get some sleep. But unfortunately that didn't happen.
     I wasn't able to eat anything before going in so my body was being pumped full of potassium on an empty stomach. Which doesn't go well for me usually and today was no different. The cramping and nausea began around 2:45ish and it was like hell on Earth.

     I was determined to power through the nausea. To keep the potassium IV running because I knew ultimately that's what was going to make me feel better, that was what was going to calm my heart, and the tremors, and the headache, and muscle spasms down. So for the next 90 minutes I sat up in the ER bed getting sick. Coughing up everything I had in my stomach, which was very little. It was miserable. If at any point someone says to me that I'm doing this just for attention needs to look me in the eyes at my worst moments and then go for a long hike off of a short bridge. (But I digress) 

     3 pm rolled around and the lab came back in to draw a second round of blood. I was told that if I had come up into the 3's that doc would let me go home. 45 minutes later the results came back. I was free to go! I still had muscle cramps and extreme nausea but it was no longer life threatening. And I can manage non life threatening at home. 

     So here I am laying in bed with all the lights off, with the only noise being the fan by my bed. I'm laying here feeling half dead. I tried eating something on the way home but it all came back up a little bit later. I'm still awfully dizzy and shaky so I look like an old lady carefully walking to the bathroom from my bed. I'm extremely nervous to walk anywhere in my apartment without my phone on the off chance I fall and am unable to get up and need to call someone. I fear that my potassium will drop again even lower than earlier and paralysis will set in. Because that would be rough. I don't know if I can do an overnight hospital stay right now.                                                                                                                         But friends, this is real life. This is what an invisible illness looks like on it's less invisible days. I try to everything I can to manage it and keep it at bay, but there's still rough days like this. There are still going to be days where everything I have just isn't enough. And I have to be okay with that. I have to take it one step at a time, not even one day at a time, just one step. I'm sure I'll be back to my normal self tomorrow but if I'm not I'll adjust. Because that's part of real life. 

With Love, 

Elizabeth 

You're Stronger Than What's Holding You Back

     That, that right there is how my Wednesday went. I got out of bed because I felt like I had too. That it was frowned upon to stay curled up in my cocoon and wait for a better day where I wake up feeling wanted and needed. But today was not that day. Today was a drag yourself out of bed day and hope for the best. I forced myself to shower, and get dressed. I set a small list of goals: laundry, moving the tubs in the living room to my garage, and starting the dishwasher. I can accomplish this right? Hahahahahaha that's funny.

 I started with the laundry. I got everything separated out into colors and what not and I started. Load by load. I felt overwhelmed. I haven't done laundry in quite a while so I had a lot to catch up on. I don't understand how I got over 8 hours of sleep last night and still have no energy for doing anything. Every step is like a brick weighing me down. Going up and down the stairs taking boxes to my garage was like climbing Mount Everest. I'm a generally healthy person but it took effort and energy that I just didn't have. I basically forced myself to walk to the mailbox. I was a little angry when I found it empty. I felt like I had walked all this way for nothing, what a waste of 10 minutes. 

     Then I went back to the laundry. Changed the loads and tried to muster up the energy to clean my room, or at least pick it up a bit. That's when it all came crashing in. Trying to make my bed it just hit me. I just started crying and couldn't stop. I fell to the floor and just laid there. Not wanting to do anything other than sit there and cry.                I picked myself off the floor when the drier finally buzzed. I got up and started another load because I had a goal and knew that if I felt this worthless right now, how I would feel if I gave up on the one thing I wanted to accomplish today. In the middle of folding laundry I got a call from my current therapist that she was going out of my insurance network. All of the referrals she gave me were also out of network. So there I sat, on the floor again trying to navigate my way through the insurance world to find a counselor that would take my insurance. I still haven't found one.

      I have given up on that search for now and will hopefully start again tomorrow. I'm extremely nervous that I will have to go without counseling for a few weeks which is one thing I look forward to because I know it will keep me going.
     Good news though, I finished the laundry. It's all folded and ready to be put away. That's my goal for tomorrow when I get home from work is to put all my laundry away. Tonight is work. I can do work, being an EMT and this job is actually something I look forward to. It's actually something I put under the "worth it" column.
     So friends, I want to encourage you to try to accomplish something today. Whether it's something big or something small try to finish it. You are stronger than what's holding you back I guarantee it.

With Love,
Elizabeth <3

My Half Dead Night

     This is what conversion disorder looks like. It creeps up on you when you least expect it. For me, last night it started while I was being productive. While I was getting things done and up and about. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Like being ran over by a truck and then that same truck backs over you again and again. I had to sit down because I was nauseous and the world was spinning. I had to rush to the bathroom because I had to get sick. Laying on the bathroom tile was my only option for a while... And then the chills set in. I couldn't get warm. I had my bed heater turned on in pajama pants and a sweatshirt and I still couldn't get warm. That's when I decided to check my temperature. 102*. Do you know how sucky it is to go from productive and standing to dead and unable to move because everything hurts so much? I took off my layers and sprawled out on the couch. A heating pad on my stomach to help with the nausea and cramping, and an ice pack on my forehead and back of the neck for the fever. I was officially down for the count. What's even more sucky is I can't take anything for the fever because everything I would normally take lowers potassium. So I can only take those things in extreme emergencies, which unfortunately was not last night. I settled in on the couch for some        Gilmore Girls watching. After about an hour I decided to check my temperature again... 103.2*. That's the highest it's ever been. One more ice pack for my lower back. 

      I was cringing in pain from the stomach cramping, Trying to hold the floor in one place because it was spinning so much. And no, I was not drunk. I hadn't even been drinking. And so the story goes. For four more hours at least. Half running to the bathroom to get sick and then crawling back to my place on the couch. Over and over again. Normally if I just lay still everything goes away, if I sleep a little bit my brain resets itself. Not last night. 

     I finally decided to take a xanex. You know the medication that calms down the brain. I took .5mg and crawled back to my spot on the couch. It must have worked. See, conversion disorder is when my brain gets so stressed and worked up that it doesn't know how to handle itself so it just gives up and my psychological stress becomes a physical reaction. The chill pill must've worked like it's supposed to. Because a little less than an hour later I finally passed out asleep. The magic of sleep. 

     I woke up around 4 in the morning to a random thunderstorm. I checked my temp again and it had broken and come back down to 99*. I can live with 99 degrees. I got a cool towel to put back on the back of my neck and crawled into bed. My delightful spot in bed. 

     And that's how my life works. I can taken out by this weird medical anomaly for a few hours and I back to normal the next morning. I have a lingering headache but I think that's just because in the midst of being half dead I didn't eat anything. But I am still alive. This my friends is life. I made it through last night you can make it through today. 

With Love, 

Elizabeth 

*Check out my vlog from last night on youtube. You can click on it here.

HAPPY EASTER

     HAPPY EASTER FRIENDS! Today is one of my favorite holidays of the year. Every one is always so joyful, spring is in the air, and there are flowers everywhere! It's just hard not to appreciate everything that I've been blessed with. Today is also hard. I moved away from home in 2014 and Easter was always such a big day in my house. The whole family would get together for dinner and we'd eat and there would be Easter egg hunts (which I would always kill at). It's just definitely a holiday I always wish I was home for.
     Thankfully, I will not be alone this year. I have been invited to a family's Easter dinner. I have been accepted as one of theirs this holiday and I couldn't be more excited. There aren't going to be any Easter eggs and my mom isn't going to be there and my family isn't going to be there. But I will have a stand in family to hug and laugh with. I also offered to work tonight for someone who wants to be with their family. How cool is it that I get to go to an Easter dinner and then be able to turn around and allow someone that same thing! That's something that always makes me feel a little bit less down. Knowing that I'm giving up some of my time so that someone else can have a great holiday. That's love friends!
      I'm asking you to find the joy today! Find something, one thing to feel happy about or blessed about and run with it. Find your stand in family, there out there I promise.

With love and Easter blessings,
Elizabeth

Asking For Help?

     Friends... I was hoping today would be the day that I could write my first completely upbeat post. But alas, today is not our day. Last night I ended up staying at my boyfriend's house. *awww, I know right* He wasn't home when I got there so I fell asleep in his bed. I don't know what time he got home but I woke up around 2:30 in tears. Sobbing. Uncontrollable ugly cry sobbing. My boyfriend didn't wake up right away but he half asleep wrapped his arms around my waist. A few seconds later he fully woke up and pulled me back into his arms as I was struggling to get out of bed so he could go back to sleep. He asked me what's wrong and it took me a minute to be able to tell him. I couldn't save that little girl from the accident a few weeks ago. And I have woken up almost every night in tears.
      My wonderful boyfriend suggested maybe I go home for a few weeks. Maybe I need to be with family for a longer period of time to help me work things out mentally. To get me in a better place. I agreed with him. I called my mom this morning to talk to her about it. It didn't go well. She told me that running from my problems isn't the answer and that if I can't handle calls like these than maybe I shouldn't be in EMS.
     I don't think anybody realizes how far down the rabbit hole I've fallen. I'm trying my very hardest to get better and be the best I could be, but it's just not working. I don't know what to do for myself anymore. I was always told never to feel ashamed for asking for help, but here I am struggling because I did just that.
     I'll get through this. I'll figure it out. We all will.

With Love,
Elizabeth

How To Help A Loved One

     I've decided that something that helps me in a time of panic or depression that being alone is actually one of the worst things for me. Even though I hate being a burden and will often try to hide by myself so I don't bother people. But, people lately have been asking me what they can do to help. And my best answer is just to be there. Sometimes all I need is a shoulder to cry on. No words, no offers of advice just a shoulder. Sometimes I just need to cry. But if you want to do more here's a list of things I compiled that I know helps me. This list isn't the same for everyone and what works for me might not be as helpful for your loved one. But here goes.

How To Help Your Loved One:
~ hold them
   * don't say anything just hug them if they allow and be there. Trust me, your presence is enough.

~ help them breath
   * this one is tricky. Don't coach them how to breath just say breath with me and slow your breath so they can match it. It usually takes me a minute but trying to focus on how he is breathing takes so much effort that it actually calms the panic and "grounds me"

~ know their triggers
   *It's possible that your loved one won't even know their own triggers so you might have to pay a little more attention with this one. What makes them anxious, what puts them in that dark place, what makes them breath a little faster? Once you figure these out try to minimize the triggers or be around when they are in those situations.

~ give them an out
    * For me, I'm not big on social gatherings. Sometimes all I need is for someone to say hey do you want to go outside for a minute? Yes! Yes! I want to go outside for a minute!

~ be encouraging
    * They are going to have down days. Days where what ever they're going through will be so overwhelming that they can't get themselves out of bed. Encourage them. Don't make them feel bad or small because today wasn't the day they could conquer the world. Encourage them to get up and take a shower or something small and if they do, great! If they don't that's okay. But on days where they do get out of bed and conquer the world, or even something small, celebrate it. Make them feel like they've succeeded at something magical. Because trust me, they did.

~ you're important too
   * This one is more for you. Your mental health is important too. Just remember that.

Well friends, that's all I've got for now. I'm sure there are so many more that I could list but these are the big ones for me. Please let me know if you have any questions or comments or things you would want to add! Feel free to share this list with who ever you would like to. The more people that know how to help the better.

With Love,
Elizabeth <3

Conquering Today

     Today friends, is a down day. Any day that I have to force myself out of bed at 1:15 in the afternoon is a down day. I have projects, and school, and things that I need to get done but my brain has something different planned. My brain is a little foggy today and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to take more medication because I'm still functioning. I'm out of bed and I turned the drier on and reheated some food so that's a start. Up next is showering and going for a walk. I hear outdoor air is good for the soul and the brain so that's what the plan is. I'm writing this today in the mist of my foggy brainness to tell you that it's okay to not be okay. To have a down day or a down few days, but I'm trying to accomplish something. One little thing is what makes the difference. So today is our day friends. Down day or not, we're going to conquer it.

With Love,
Elizabeth

Piecing It Back Together

*Trigger Warning: Car Accidents & Thoughts of self harm*
     Well friends let's back up about a week. I was involved in a car accident about a week ago. The car in front of me on the highway rolled into a ditch. The driver had a heart attack, which is what caused the accident, and after several minutes of CPR they declared him deceased in the hospital. There was also a four year old in the backseat while all of this was happening. When the sheriffs arrived on scene they pulled the little girl out of the back seat and tried to calm her down. She was so upset. She wouldn't stop crying. After the driver was taken to the hospital I asked the officer if I could hold the little girl. i took her from him and walked over to the cop car, we watched the lights and I rubbed her back and sang "Jesus Loves Me". While holding her I did a visual assessment. Her pupils were equal and reactive, she was talking, no obvious sign of injury. She was by all standards fine. By the time the second ambulance arrived for her I had calmed her down. They decided to take her in just to be sure there was nothing wrong. The fire department allowed me to help them take vitals on her because she had started to trust me. She was stable when I left her. Nothing out of the ordinary.
     A week later the department had their critical scene debriefing and I joined in via skype. It was then that I was informed that the little girl who was holding so tightly to me at the scene had passed away in the hospital later that day. She had a brain bleed that we couldn't have caught on the scene. Unfortunately the bleed was caused by circumstances outside of the car accident. I wish there was more I could have done. I wish she could have shown me one sign that maybe that one sign could have changed our course of care. I started down that spiral that so many people in my profession start down.
     I didn't know what to do. I was beating myself up for things that I couldn't change. I know that I couldn't change anything, but there's always those what if's. What if she had shown a sign that I could have sped up her care. I found myself sitting on the floor in the kitchen with a knife wondering if maybe I'm not worth the next few breaths. I take this very seriously. I caught myself, I caught those thoughts and they scared me. I needed help. It's okay to ask for help. I booked a ticket for the next flight home. It was last minute, but it needed to happen. I couldn't be alone for the rest of the night and I knew that the people who understood me most were back in Las Vegas. So I had to go. I packed my bags and while sitting in the car getting ready to go my mom called me. She could tell something was off earlier in the day, but I didn't tell her what was wrong. She had called me to check on me. I told her I was coming home and asked if she could pick me up. She didn't believe me at first and thought I was joking, but when she realized I was serious I think she was relieved. She knew that me coming home was the best thing for me.
     Over the next few days I went on walks with my mom, I went to the fire department and was able to talk to them about how they deal with calls like these. I also got to talk to family members who have also been through things like this. Sometimes talking about things and confronting your feelings is the best way to understand yourself. They say laughter is the best medicine and I can honestly say that after three days of being home this is true. I know that I have a ways to go. That the spiral will continue if I don't keep hitting it head on. But going home helped. Asking for help was the best thing I could have done for myself. Sometimes taking time for you is what you need to help piece yourself back together.
     So the next time you catch yourself thinking things that scare you. Take time to ask for help. Ask whoever. I've found that almost everyone is willing to help if they know what's wrong.

With Love,
Elizabeth

Where The Road Zigs

     Hello friends! My name is Elizabeth! I am 20 years old, almost 21 finally. I am from a small town called Las Vegas, Nevada. I moved away when I was 18 for school. I'll leave my current location undisclosed for security purposes but the move was a culture shock. I am taking every day one step at a time. But lately I've been struggling. I am the happiest that I've been in a very long time. I have friends that I love, and an apartment that is my own and I finally feel I have a place where I belong. But I'm still struggling with anxiety, with depression, with the feeling that of dread that I can't shake. I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to become the best version of me that I can but it's taking a lot. There's a lot involved in that, there's a lot behind the scenes that people don't see. The crying myself to sleep for no certain reason, the feeling of dread and doubt, and just not knowing if I'm doing everything right. So that's where I'm at in life. And I want to bring the world along. Because sometimes my struggles are the same as someone else's. So here we are. My blog, where the road zigs. Because life isn't always straight and narrow. It zigs and zags and you have to roll with the punches so I'm rolling with them. So welcome! Hopefully we can all learn from each other's journey. Leave a comment, send me an email. We have to play with the cards we're dealt but maybe we can share cards! :)

With Love,
Elizabeth